i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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