Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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