i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
Randomize
