I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
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