dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
Randomize
