i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
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