Lol i'z typing this with my 962 nose
962=my?
Yeah.i
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
