My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
