i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
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