My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
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