Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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