i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
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