Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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