You work out of a Hotel?
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
True strength comes from lack of pants
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
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