Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
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