Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
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