You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Randomize
