Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
I look better un-naked...
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
We smell like vodka and hangover
Randomize
