Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Randomize
