the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
