if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
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