I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
