Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
it's business casual sex. like no kissing, shake hands after, occasional frequency
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
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