my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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