At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
