Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
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