Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
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