My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Randomize
