But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
