HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
No, we got so into acting out our role play characters we didn't even fuck. still sucess.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
