does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
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