He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
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