Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
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