I intend to get homeless drunk
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
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