If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
Hippo gnu deer
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
Randomize
