Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
they're like a gay fantastic four
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
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