Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
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