The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Video on mandys page of you drinking upside down was finally put up...too bad all the comments were about me and him fighting in the background while he screamed "BLOW BIG BETSY!'
Randomize
