Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
Randomize
