I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
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