Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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