I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
Randomize
