I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
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