do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
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