On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Randomize
