There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Randomize
