can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Randomize
