drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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