oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
Randomize
