I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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